The closure you need, or What's in front of you

The Closure You Need

Or What's in front of you 

Do you remember the day we sat just outside the sanctuary and you asked me if I was okay?

And I admitted how not okay I was?

I know you do.

2 days later on a lovely day on my favorite coffee shop patio

you shared your memories with me

and said exactly these words:

“You cannot do that to me.”

And I saw in your eyes the truth of those words.

Funny how our stories parallel each other.

Or not funny at all.

And then you made me laugh, an impossibility,

And I began to wake up.

Remember the day on yet another patio, coffee in hand as always,

You told me that no one goes to hell,

that Jesus saves us ALL.

That Hitler was in heaven.

That holding on to my pain was not changing anything for her.

Just for me.

That there was nothing unforgivable.

Not for Jesus, not for myself.

And then you made me laugh.

An almost impossibility.

And I began to loosen my grip on sorrow.

Do you remember the day

(More patios, more coffee.Sorry your croissant was dark chocolate. Well, not really, because it was delicious, at least you got to eat the outside.)
That was the day you told me that it was not important what the recipient of an apology does with it,

just that the apologizer realizes the need for it and takes responsibility for their mistake.

That reconciliation, tho not a guarantee, was always a possibility.

And then you made me laugh,

A possibility.

And I began to hope.

Remember the day (boy we drink a lot of coffee),

I asked you why you were putting up with my whining all the time and you said “because you're what's in front of me”

which I only understood so much later.

And I told you I didn't know how to forgive myself.

And you told me if God could forgive you(and he had, and would continue to), I would be easy.

And then you made me laugh,

An expectation now.

And I began to relax.

Remember the day (chai and depth charge, a hilarious reflection on our personalities, made funnier by the fact that trading those cups back and forth is exactly what God designed us to be.)

You told me that I needed a group.

That I needed to talk to my therapist the way I talked to you.

That I needed to be patient while sorting out my meds.

And then you made me laugh.

A certainty.

And I began plan.

And I began to listen to the advice of those around me.

And I began to search for my answers.

And I began to let people in.

And I began to answer my phone

And talk to my friends.

And I flipped back and forth like a pendulum, sorting myself out, relearning what I am, who I am.

And it was exhausting, and rewarding.

And through all that you made me laugh.

You didn't judge, you didn't second guess, you never gave me that look that I HATE to see on people's faces.

And I began to understand ‘No matter what’.

And you made me laugh. You always made me laugh. You have always made me laugh. How many puns do you have for eggs? Thousands?

Never keep all your chickens in one basket. Wasn’t it that conversation about your mom that started you and Bruce of on the pun war?

Your mix of laughter and reassurance encouraged me.

And I started to live.

And for being a part of that, I thank you

Now go and do it for someone else.

It's what you do.

And you do it well.

It's what's in front of you.