Heavy Haiku

Heavy Haiku

I have never been

As angry as I am now

Trust has been defiled.

Furious is me

Surprised and hurt to the core

Fickle forgiveness

What you did was wrong

I did not deserve that pain

Don't deserve it now.

Begin again? No.

Move on from this horrid place

I guess we can try.

Poignant is the loss

Reconciliation is

Only a whisper

Find me in this place

I'm alone and terrified

Certainty is lost.

Is there still something

That can be salvaged out of

Broken bleeding souls?

Quantum Entanglement

Quantum Entanglement

For Keith Nale who described his love for his wife Dana as a quantum entanglement, the most beautiful thing I've ever heard anyone say. And for Leonard who's mine.

So here we are,

one person since 1999,

no, since 1993.

But even before that

we were particles drifting closer and closer, slowly being drawn to the same places,

sometimes at different times

sometimes the same time, a few breaths away.

Same dentist, eye doctor,

same first concert, second concert,

music you loved being born at my

Jr.High.

Dancing closer and closer and closer to each other,

my heart heard yours calling from

all ends of the world.

Before I even knew you

every atom of me was waiting for you.

flitting from one person to the next

finding no satisfaction.

tasting desire,

tasting not quite love.

Till we shared the orchestra room,

two completely different people.

But from that moment,

my head rebelled,

resisting the particle of you,

feasting on hopeless conquest.

Never understanding that winning was not resisting, but accepting.

But the pull was too strong

and eventually I succumbed to

the desire, the peace, the certainty.

Finding love in stages like a

tapestry, bound together in colors

unimaginable by themselves

exquisite as a whole.

Then that kiss, you remember it,

heat exploded like a supernova

and melted the tapestry threads together. Forever.

No possibility of unraveling them.

Quantum entanglement.

only complete and utter destruction could ever try to separate them.

You could rip that tapestry to shreds,

but still those threads would not separate from each other.

Melted, torn, broken, cut, ripped,

still entangled.

Every assault on that beautiful piece of work is a torment of anguish and unspeakable agony.

What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder.

Quantum entanglement.

Speechless

Speechless

Who ever told you you weren't beautiful?

Keep that one.

Keep it

All to yourself.

Flabbergasted.

Speechless.

Stopped in your tracks.

Unexpected.

Unsolicited.

In no way demanded,

Requested,

Implied,

Required.

Not old and worn,

Not obligated,

Overused,

Undervalued,

Uncertain,

Or hard earned.

Not righteously obtained.

Free

Honest

In no way at all

Flattery,

Or overrated.

Who ever told you you weren't beautiful?

Everyone and no one.

Falling

Falling

Actually,

You're just alone.

I know you don't want to

Admit it

But you are.

Actually

It'll never end

I know you don't want to

Admit it

But you but it won't.

Actually

You can't possibly succeed

I know you don't want to

Admit it

But you can't.

Actually

No one can hear you

I know you don't want to

Admit it

But they can't.

Actually

You're just failing

I know you don't want to

Admit it

But it's true.

Actually

I know you remember a better place

I know you don't want to

Admit it

But there is.

Actually,

You have no control

I know you don't want to

Admit it

But it's truth.

Real truth.

Tell me not to run.

Just. One. Person.

3A.M.

3 A.M.

filter gone

vanished to nebulous places

that only dawn can reclaim.

that place where you discover real.

secrets clothed in nights’ confiding arms.

You find yourself

totally uncensored.

under the cover of deepest night

when crickets cease to chirp

and birds have not yet woken,

and you feel your time running out,

know that soon the dark will fade to

the dustiest dim

and the moment will be over,

you've risked things then haven't you?

just before the rose colored hue comes to bind you once again,

you morph into the creature at the core of you,

base and carnal and voiceless in the light,

who has whispered things in that velvet cape that none should ever hear,

dared to speak its desires and even touch them,

satiated needs that only it can know,

written things that it will never share.

The Concert

The Concert

For Beckers, in memory of all the times we sang together, and the reason why we named her Annahallé,

And all the things we were going to teach her. It seems perhaps we did.

Tonight I saw beauty

brilliance, pain, delight, and laughter,

as she mimicked unintentionally

what came before and after.

I saw the past before me

ribbons winding, twisting, flowing,

tying memories and present moments

like a path of candles glowing.

There you were like yesterday

laced with awe and joy and sorrow.

Id done her hair, and watched her sing,

found in the past: tomorrow!

What surprise to find you waiting

in bleachers stage and gym.

Yet one more high school concert

where lost happiness begins.

I didn't know she had your voice,

your posture, timbre, style,

a feel for gospel music

that was awakened in this child.

That little glint of mischief

in her eyes, her smile, her voice

and my heart soared, and broke, and learned

that there is one more choice.

I carry you no longer

but wait and watch, and try

because I found you in this crazy place

right before my eyes.

And there, amidst her namesake

white girls, gospel, from before,

I watched her sing in glory

and blow open every door.

Fresh air came in on every side

a hope, a dream, a plea,

and having seen it answered

it gave new life to me.

I found you living in my daughter

alive, and wild, and free,

There was no mistaking the message

Nothing else could it so be.

And I saw sorrow in a moment

life, love , and hope and dreams,

reborn into tomorrow's dance

which isn't what it seemed.

My lungs filled up with brand new air,

warm and clean and fresh

I found you waiting in the wings

to fill them with your breath.

I should have known you'd be there

perfect dress, thick hair, and heels,

standing right beside me

I remember how it feels.

It caught there in my throat,

burned, and melted, sweetened

the loneliness within my heart,

suddenly defeated.

I let it go but it came back

clear and sure and true,

one moment of pure blissful song.

In Annahallé, I found you.

Editing

Editing

For Eric

Watching you work is like a dance.

Hands floating, mind flying,

vision coming clear with every move.

I see my world in full color

exploding into life in before my eyes.

All the happy, sad, wonderful, lonely,

lovely.

The laughter and the sobs.

But as your mosaic unfolds I watch you clothe the sorrow in laughter,

the dark in light,

the loneliness in friendship.

And I realize,

You've been doing that for me for as long as I've known you.

Editing my world in a way that

accepts the pain and frustration,

and washes away the sting with fellowship and comfort.

Finding for me the brilliance of color

that was there all the way along.

Taking my grey and remastering it.

Sharpening the pictures in my mind.

Telling me how they were,

not how I remember them.

Taking the miserable remnants

of degraded memories

and bringing them to life again.

Do you realize you've been editing my world for nearly 20 years?

Always one step behind me with the camera in your mind,

Or in your hand.

Putting together the pieces that remind me of who I am and where I came from, and even, what I want to be.

So few people know me better than myself.

But you, through your lens on the world,

have captured me.

And now, when I need it most,

you bring it back to me.

Yes, I have loved my dark hair since the first time I dyed it that way.

Yes, I adore reading The Night Before Christmas to my children no matter how old they get.

Yes I pray that Anna goes to college somewhere close enough to us and you to be reachable.

Yes, I'm going to fall apart when she goes, when they all go.

Yes, I want you to get a safer job

that doesn't terrify you and put fear in your heart, and Nicole's, and mine.

Yes, i'm going to live without Andrew just like everyone else, and it's going to SUCK.

And yes, I can come back.

Over and over and over.

So forgive me if I'm gonna love you,

Like I'm gonna lose you.

Because every time I drive away I cry.

But then, you edit in the laughter we've shared over the years,

And I know we can do it all again.

So imagine the soft resolution of music fading out, and just the first strokes of something new

coming in.

The closure you need, or What's in front of you

The Closure You Need

Or What's in front of you 

Do you remember the day we sat just outside the sanctuary and you asked me if I was okay?

And I admitted how not okay I was?

I know you do.

2 days later on a lovely day on my favorite coffee shop patio

you shared your memories with me

and said exactly these words:

“You cannot do that to me.”

And I saw in your eyes the truth of those words.

Funny how our stories parallel each other.

Or not funny at all.

And then you made me laugh, an impossibility,

And I began to wake up.

Remember the day on yet another patio, coffee in hand as always,

You told me that no one goes to hell,

that Jesus saves us ALL.

That Hitler was in heaven.

That holding on to my pain was not changing anything for her.

Just for me.

That there was nothing unforgivable.

Not for Jesus, not for myself.

And then you made me laugh.

An almost impossibility.

And I began to loosen my grip on sorrow.

Do you remember the day

(More patios, more coffee.Sorry your croissant was dark chocolate. Well, not really, because it was delicious, at least you got to eat the outside.)
That was the day you told me that it was not important what the recipient of an apology does with it,

just that the apologizer realizes the need for it and takes responsibility for their mistake.

That reconciliation, tho not a guarantee, was always a possibility.

And then you made me laugh,

A possibility.

And I began to hope.

Remember the day (boy we drink a lot of coffee),

I asked you why you were putting up with my whining all the time and you said “because you're what's in front of me”

which I only understood so much later.

And I told you I didn't know how to forgive myself.

And you told me if God could forgive you(and he had, and would continue to), I would be easy.

And then you made me laugh,

An expectation now.

And I began to relax.

Remember the day (chai and depth charge, a hilarious reflection on our personalities, made funnier by the fact that trading those cups back and forth is exactly what God designed us to be.)

You told me that I needed a group.

That I needed to talk to my therapist the way I talked to you.

That I needed to be patient while sorting out my meds.

And then you made me laugh.

A certainty.

And I began plan.

And I began to listen to the advice of those around me.

And I began to search for my answers.

And I began to let people in.

And I began to answer my phone

And talk to my friends.

And I flipped back and forth like a pendulum, sorting myself out, relearning what I am, who I am.

And it was exhausting, and rewarding.

And through all that you made me laugh.

You didn't judge, you didn't second guess, you never gave me that look that I HATE to see on people's faces.

And I began to understand ‘No matter what’.

And you made me laugh. You always made me laugh. You have always made me laugh. How many puns do you have for eggs? Thousands?

Never keep all your chickens in one basket. Wasn’t it that conversation about your mom that started you and Bruce of on the pun war?

Your mix of laughter and reassurance encouraged me.

And I started to live.

And for being a part of that, I thank you

Now go and do it for someone else.

It's what you do.

And you do it well.

It's what's in front of you.

A Child's Prayer

A child's prayer

Inspired by a children's devotion.

Dear lord, I am so, so very small:

Children's devotion this morning.

Which doesn't make it false to me at all

this version of myself that has been forming.

They are so very very small

these little pupils of mine,

but so am I I'll gladly say,

in the gaze of The Devine.

See, I've been watching them learn and grow,

all the little victories they've won.

But I've been watching my growth as well

allowing my own tiny self to become.

They learn to do puzzles on their own,

small steps toward independent.

A picture drawn, a letter written,

they come to nap time spent.

My puzzle can't be solved alone

i'm learning to be dependant.

Only a carpenter could my pieces fit,

and seams are joined as I repent.

They fall into a restful sleep

before they start again,

I cover them with warm soft throws

wisper comfort over them.

My need for rest is satisfied

wthin his warm embrace.

He calms me with forgivness

and covers me with grace.

Dear Lord, we are so, so very small,

it's the foundation that they and we should know.

And you have claimed us one and all.

as into your arms we go.

Driving You

Driving You

For My Lenny:"Let's get married again..."

“I've missed you.”

And my heart broke

And healed

And every drop

of stress

And anger

And fear

And loss

Fell away.

And I saw you on our perfect day

with a huge frog in your hands,

And on our wedding day

waiting on the lawn,

And on our spaghetti anniversary day

when Anna “didn't want to interrupt your nice dinner”,

And by a campfire naked and warm in a starry night,

And on a dark beach walk where a huge turtle slipped into the ocean, and we both got covered in sand…..,

And in a tent on the endless prairie alone and entangled in the middle of the day,

And on a hillside watching meteors fall from the sky,

And on top of a hard won climb eating lunch over the most beautiful fall vista i’ve ever seen,

And playing cards with our children in a boat hanging in the sky,

And sharing guitar music high above my favorite lake,

And watching blue blue water toy with the rocks that we stacked into inukshuks,

And searching a fairy forest for a hidden waterfall we still have yet to find…,

And posing naked in the sun for your camera in the rocky hills of the north shore hoping no one would come upon us,

And seeing your face  when I had your birthday cake written in Russian,

And the evening we laid out on the hexagon dock at the arboretum and you took my picture with the sunset in my hair.

The perfect snowy night when we were TSO virgins.

The moonlit snowshoe adventure.

The cold walks across campus at 3 AM to your warm loft of safety.

The “she likes apples, it's gonna happen” night when we laughed till our stomachs hurt the next day, or week.

The cards against humanity nights that nearly killed us with laughter.

All the times we looked at our children in wonder and amazement and reckless unconditional love.

The night we discovered Big Bang Theory.

Swimming with huge stingrays,

Discovering a rainbow covered land of azaleas.

Sword fighting on the alter.

“I got a rock.”

Snow angels at como park.

Anna playing violin at Eric's wedding.

Lexis joy at her first roundoff back handspring.

Christmas lights in the basement.

Christmas lights in the dorm.

Christmas lights in our bedroom.

Tirza Joy,

Endless walks,

Iced chai,

Chinese in paniers,

Riffling PVC,

Skyline firedance,

October,

A nerd with a bass,

who knew how to get to my house 

which was never a box with a triangle.

It's my favorite part of the day,

driving you.