What's In Front Of Me :1

What's In Front Of Me

I've been thinking a lot about that and this is what I think.

For the last 20 years it has been my boys.

But that's too long, too vague.

For the last 16 years it's been my husband and children.

But that's too big, too much.

For the last 10 years it's been homework and after school activities,

concerts, shows, science fairs, Christmas pageants, gymnastics meets.

But that's too encompassing, everlasting.

For the last 5 years it's been working,

learning every age, every stage of someone else's child.

But that's too complicated, to incremental.

For the last year it's been anger, frustration, and blame.

But that is perception and non specific.

For the last 6 months it's been bipolar disease, of which the focus is only myself.

But that is about myself, not what's in front of me.

For the last three months it's been Jesus, and God. Finding forgiveness,

searching for answers.

But that was only a natural consequence of getting lost and an inevitability.

For the last two months it's been saying goodbye to the longest , heaviest burden I ever carried. Learning to lay it in Jesus arms, and walking away.

But that's too old, to obsessive.

For the last month it's been the wedding of my best friends, and the joy of spending time with all of them.

But they were really behind me all the time, I was in front of them.

For the last week it's been the death of a dear dear friend. The agony of goodbye, the gathering of friends and family. Helping children through grief, helping spouses through grief, helping me through grief.

That has been in front of me. It will continue to be near me for a time.

But for the last day it has been groceries, and laundry, Isaiah chapters 56-66,  and cleaning.

One day at a time.

But,I opened the book and for the last 30 minutes it's been what you are saying to me.

It is cluttered, it is messy,

But it is not complicated.

It is focus, engagement, observation,

initiative.

Willingness, availability.

Integrity.

What's in front of me is Integrity.

Tomorrow it may be school lunches, or a sobbing 3 year old, a friend, a broken husband, or something else entirely.

But in all of it, in any of it, will still be

Integrity.

I learned that from some real friends. A gift, a legacy. The men who taught me who to be, and the women who reinforce it.

The ones who are both in front of me, and behind me. Those who go before me, and those who follow after. And I am surrounded by a cloud of witnesses.