Post Mortem Scrotum

Post Mortem Scrotum

For you who make me laugh, just returning the favor.

Bulls balls

Waft down halls

Crispy, crunchy,

Sort of munchy

Dripping semen

As you eat them

Oozing cum

On your thumb

Started frozen

Now you blow them

Too dang hot

So take a shot

Fucking awesome

Till they blossom

Into blood clots

From the piss pot

Into your mouth

Where a little leaks out

Dribbles down your chin

Sleeve or napkin?

You wonder: Is this mess big enough to warrant using both?

You wonder: If this would make good meatloaf.

What's in Front Of Me 3

What's in front of me 3

A choice.

A voice.

A search.

A decision.

A revision.

A plan.

A direction.

A protection.

A safety net.

A certainty.

A resurgency.

A takeover.

A reclamation.

A formation.

A discovery.

A release.

A belief.

A desire.

A solution.

A resolution.

A win.

And There It Is Katie

And There It Is Katie.

Snap.

Back into alignment.

You found your laugh.

The sky shone whispy blue,

The river sparkled,

The leaves crunched underfoot.

And it leaped out of you,

That laugh,

Like a trapped animal set free.

All the isolation,

All the separation,

All the gnawing anxiety

Set free in a wash of relief and

Happiness.

Utter relief.

Words finally spoken.

And in that clean air

Joy came.

And your laugh rang Crystal clear

In that sparkly day

And sitting high above the river

It rang again and again

Setting itself free.

Blackbird

Blackbird


"I need this like i need to breathe, to love, to scream, to cry. Total and complete my need for land for sea and sky.
When perchance a blackbird pass my way, or heron catch my eye,
my constitution is refreshed in body soul and mind.
And when one day my labors end and life has laid me by,
I'll drift away o'er fields of gold to water touching sky."

Cinders 3

Cinders 3

For every one of you

I'm hung up on the word

Inconsolable.

Trying to define it

in terms of the words:

No bounds.

Sometimes God asks me to do things

I cannot do.

But not things that cannot be done.

No bounds.

Because I WAS bound,

but you were not.

All of you were free

and YOU did what God asked of me.

Inconsolable.

I thought things would move on without me.

Resolve.

Improve.

The lies in those beliefs

have no bounds.

I never considered inconsolable.

The ash from my fire saturates the air,

knows no bounds

fills my lungs till I can't breathe,

choking on sobs of

inconsolable apology,

flaming high with a passion for

Living

Loving

In my mind I am bound to:

The words: I will not leave you while you are in the throes of this.

The words: How do you think they would feel at their wedding?

The words: I know the voice of truth is strong in you, but I also know the voice of the deceiver is strong in you too.

The words: Don't you worry about me, Katya.

The words: Because you're what's in front of me.

The words: Well, that is just plain wrong.

The words: No matter what.

The words: I'll tell you what I think, but you might not like it.

The words: Hosea is a love story.

The words: We are always here.

The words: God is not talking about us 
here.

The words: I didn't know who else would be awake, and I knew you'd understand.

The words: I'd never stop crying.

I was inconsolable until:

Your voice on the phone

The rope on my wrist

The head phones

The medallion

The goodbye

The stickers

The swing

Friends

I did not understand what I was really bound to until:

The quotes on my wall

The hug at the shower

The songs via messenger

Your voice on the phone

The dance at the wedding

Your surprise arrival at my door

The depth of the funeral

The wanting to not let go

The soup and bread.

Your forgiveness.

The cross.

His forgiveness.

No bounds.

I will never see the cinders.

My fire will not die out.

What's In Front Of Me 2

What's in front of me 2

Why do you still get to be

What is now front of me?

I keep trying to put things there

But my memory just doesn't care.

You give me tunnel vision then

And I just know I miss my friend.

But anger flares within those thoughts

A balanced battle rages hot

Or I don't care, it's isn't there,

Remembering you is just a dare.

There was nothing stable in this dance

Every step was left to chance

I have now both won and lost

And looking back upon the cost

I know i'd do it all again

Risk the risk and friend the friend

But now my choices are taken away

And what a terrible price to pay

I want you back just as you were

A calming, chiding, confiding, blurr

Always at tempo with what I need

To provide the laugh or do the deed.

Anger, loss, and fear beseech

Now that you are out of my reach

So far, so close, your quirks, your ways

Will drive my hurt for endless days.

And that is why I know, you see,

That you are what's in front of me.

What's In Front Of Me :1

What's In Front Of Me

I've been thinking a lot about that and this is what I think.

For the last 20 years it has been my boys.

But that's too long, too vague.

For the last 16 years it's been my husband and children.

But that's too big, too much.

For the last 10 years it's been homework and after school activities,

concerts, shows, science fairs, Christmas pageants, gymnastics meets.

But that's too encompassing, everlasting.

For the last 5 years it's been working,

learning every age, every stage of someone else's child.

But that's too complicated, to incremental.

For the last year it's been anger, frustration, and blame.

But that is perception and non specific.

For the last 6 months it's been bipolar disease, of which the focus is only myself.

But that is about myself, not what's in front of me.

For the last three months it's been Jesus, and God. Finding forgiveness,

searching for answers.

But that was only a natural consequence of getting lost and an inevitability.

For the last two months it's been saying goodbye to the longest , heaviest burden I ever carried. Learning to lay it in Jesus arms, and walking away.

But that's too old, to obsessive.

For the last month it's been the wedding of my best friends, and the joy of spending time with all of them.

But they were really behind me all the time, I was in front of them.

For the last week it's been the death of a dear dear friend. The agony of goodbye, the gathering of friends and family. Helping children through grief, helping spouses through grief, helping me through grief.

That has been in front of me. It will continue to be near me for a time.

But for the last day it has been groceries, and laundry, Isaiah chapters 56-66,  and cleaning.

One day at a time.

But,I opened the book and for the last 30 minutes it's been what you are saying to me.

It is cluttered, it is messy,

But it is not complicated.

It is focus, engagement, observation,

initiative.

Willingness, availability.

Integrity.

What's in front of me is Integrity.

Tomorrow it may be school lunches, or a sobbing 3 year old, a friend, a broken husband, or something else entirely.

But in all of it, in any of it, will still be

Integrity.

I learned that from some real friends. A gift, a legacy. The men who taught me who to be, and the women who reinforce it.

The ones who are both in front of me, and behind me. Those who go before me, and those who follow after. And I am surrounded by a cloud of witnesses.

For Andrew

For Andrew

There's a dusky voice

Ringing in my head

calling out over whipped up waves

And sun streamed sky,

driving me to a sleek schooner

cutting through the green water.

The voice grants me my wish,

and my hands grip tight to the prow.

Always I wanted to be her:

lithe and buxom,

hair streamed out behind her.

Charging on across the sea,

utterly free.

She takes whatever the sea has to give

and stalwartly rushes on.

I know that voice stands strong and firm behind me.

Big hands gripping the wheel,

steering me through every storm,

safe and sound.

And sail on we will,

as our precious crew grows

one hand at a time,

till gathered all we are

in perfect tune,

content to sail on into eternity

with every heart satisfied.

Together always,

guided by our capable, dependable,

fearless captain,

laughing into the wind.

Flying over the water,

sounds of gulls and splash, our music,

Following the compass of friendship

truly to our final destination.

It is fitting my friend that you should arrive first on that ship,

for only you could ever captain her.

I'll go head strong into the journey

for never have you steered me wrong.

And come to you in joy

in the end,

in the beginning.
Fair winds and following seas and

God speed until we meet again.

Not an Excuse

Not an Excuse

Tied to a room

Locked in a box

Forced into silence

normalcy making us

Trapped.

Held captive by meaningless words

Rushed hellos and goodbyes

Stolen touches no longer gone unnoticed,

I miss hearing my name.

Held apart by time, and space, and convenience,

Endless schedules,

Homework,

Late bedtimes

Work,

Media,

Lack of privacy

Driving frustration

Feared humiliation.

Agitated turbulence.

I MISS HEARING MY NAME.

Unwilling to ask

Declare,

Describe,

Pester

Bother,

Nag,

Or disappoint.

Turned down,

Turned away,

Turned inside out.

Uncertain

Unsure

Undecided

Unfulfilled

Uneasy

Unwilling

Unable

I miss hearing my name.

Deceived by

A deity

Undecided

Divided

Filled with terror

Tumult

Tentative

Tested

Tormented

Torn

Twisted perception

Exception

But never redemption.

I miss hearing my name.

Walking alone

Spinning

Swirling

Dizzy

Disoriented

Disturbed

Lost

Lonely

Listless

Lustful

Longing

I.Miss.Hearing.My.Name.

Collided

Subsided

Resided

Overrided?

Provided?

Decided?

imisshearingmyname

In a whisper

Word

Laugh

Scream

Shout

Husky hush

Or flirty gush.

Tear stained sob

Or spoken aloud

I miss hearing my name.