Plea

Plea

I thought I told you

How much I needed you.

But the words never came.

I can see from way up here

That the world is sparkly blue

And contains you.

But I know I'll fall

And wreck it all.

And from the bottom of the hole

I know I won't see

The sparkly blue

Will there still be you?

If I can call at all

It'll be so small

Will you hear me?

Will you remember who I was

Cause I won't

Will you hold out a hand

And tell me who I am

When I don't know?

I know you did before

But I'm afraid you'll get tired

Of coming here

To the pit of fear.

Don't leave me please

Cause from here I can see

My destruction

Need not be.

Ride the Wave

Ride the wave

The plan can wait

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Don't hesitate

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Feel the rush

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Speed untouched

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Don't look around

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Before you drown

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Don't look back

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Launch the attack

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Just lose control

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Cause that's the goal

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Satisfy the child

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Live life wild

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Burn hot like flame

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Forget the shame

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Savor the crest

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

And screw the rest

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Get on that board

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

And oh my lord

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Make it last

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

Cause it goes fast

Just ride the wave baby ride the wave

And when you can't stand

Slip into the wave baby slip into the wave

Remember the plan

Sink into the sea sink into the sea

Invincible

Invincible

"And like Icarus I collide with a world I try so hard to leave behind..." -Jars Of Clay, Worlds Apart

High.

So high.

Lovin all this deep blue sky.

Knowing I can fly and fly

and never die.

No need to cry

i'm gonna try

to get by

on all these lies

that I despise.

Born on the rise

of an elusive prize.

It is not wise

to fan this high

as it collides

with the self I hide

so deep inside

my racing mind

who I cant bind

to things defined

or things refined.

She is blinded by

this soaring high.

What I Put in the Box or Cinders 2

What I Put In The Box or Cinders 2

Long ago I put love, friendship, sexuality,

pain, loss, hurt, misery,betrayal, and anger in the box.

Then I shut it.

And locked it.

And it stayed that way for a LONG time.

But one day I peeked in, out of curiosity,

To see if they were still there.

Because it seemed as if some of them had leaked out.

And when I tried to shut it again it seemed they were too strong,

And I couldn't get the lid on.

So they came out,

And jumped on top of me,

And began to smother me,

Which is what they always meant to do.

But they had gotten stronger in the box,

All that time just......

Waiting.

And growing.

And I could not stop them.

They beat me down and down

Into the ground

Till I couldn't breathe

But then...

You came around the bend and

Pushed them off again.

I don't know how you were so strong.

And I've been thinking ever since

What to do with that box.

And I've got an idea.

First, I'm going to put these things in:

Fear of rejection

Fear of failure

Fear of the future

Caring what other people think of me

Obsession with a pretty body

Deciding I know what other people are thinking

Thinking I'm not important

Thinking my children are my biggest accomplishment

Thinking my children are what defines me

Ignoring and underestimating my friends

Never being able to get everything done

Feeling like a failure.

Then I'm going to slam it shut. Nail it down with huge nails and giant clamps

And then

I'm going to burn that box to cinders.

Calm In My Heart

Calm In My Heart

I need to feel:
The soft grass under my feet
The wind in my face
The dirt in my hands
The water on my toes
The fresh food on my tongue
The wilderness in my mind
My own smallness in my brain
And his calm in my heart.

Let You Go

Let You Go

If I came here to let you go
I didn't tell myself.
If I had allowed myself to know,
Id have never reached this shelf.
My feet would drag my car protest
And turn to drive away
And if it reached the parking lot
I couldn't make it stay.

A thousand pounds upon each foot
Would keep them planted down
No hands with strength to grab the holds
Up to this this higher ground.

So this secret did I keep
Especially from me
To aid myself in reaching now
A place to set you free.
I cannot bear to hold you close
And carry you in mind
The weight of all I may have lost
To real joy has made me blind.

So high above the world I am
To send you on your way,
To break and heal my shattered heart,
To let go of this pain.

I feel as if I see you there
Calling out to me
But I must turn my back on you
To ever find me free.
I don't want you to be alone
Or lonely or afraid
And I could have changed those things
If only you had stayed.

But you have gone ahead of me
To where I cannot go
And I have stayed to live out life
And finally I know:
There is no you, there's only me
And the gift of waking here
With arms of love around me.
And everyone so dear
Seems now the one thing that I need
To truly find my way
Is no ghost, no wish, no dream, no want
But waking every day.

I hold my heart out to the sky,
And let my tears run free
I know that if you only could
You'd reach your arms to me.
But nothing comes, and as it goes
My self can understand
This is the part I missed before

And I let go your hand.

I'm alone, I feel it now
And I don't want to be
And so my feet now climb back down
To life where he loves me.

And suddenly I'm free.

Lifeline

Lifeline

Sometimes I return to the chat window

See the things you said to me

Search for inspiration

Sometimes I scroll back a long way

See the things I said to you

Search for acceptance

Sometimes I hear your voice on the phone

Hear the things you said to me

Searching for hope

Sometimes I hear my voice in my head

Practicing what I would say to you

Searching for progress

Sometimes you cling to such small words

'Afraid', 'sick', 'angry', 'alone',

To guide your encouragement

Sometimes I cling to such small words

'Sweetie', 'love', 'kiddo', 'hug',

To make me feel less alone.

Sometimes I live for two words alone:

'I'm here'.

Sometimes you live for two words alone:

'I'm here'.

Dreams

Dreams

For Lenny

Drifting along on a lack of thoughts

feeling ungrounded,

till your fingers brush my face

and I find grace in this place.

Floating over blue skies

and rolling waves,

my arm touches your hand

I love this fairy land of sand.

Resting in a golden afternoon

warm earthy smells abound,

as your thighs kiss my knees

I hear leaves in the breeze.

Standing on a sparkling snowcap

so high above the world,

your lips kiss my hair

and I'm aware that I'm there.

On the edge of a deep red canyon

that smells of dust and sage,

toes touch feet

on a pinnacle of sweet heat.

Under a blanket of stars

and spinning worlds,

I am wrapped up in you

feeling all new and cobalt blue.

Rolling Anger

Rolling Anger

Your voice

Like a choice

Destroys

My Poise

And blankets my heart

In fear,

So near

Your words spear

My control.

A storm rages

In deepest places

Ripping pages

Culling stages

Soaking spaces

With ungracious

Fury.

No control

Over emotion

Commotion

Promotion

Devotion

An ocean of sorrow

Knows tomorrow

Will borrow

this agony.

Upset

I'll fret

And regret

That we met

This destruction

That festers

And pesters

Again and again

Good bye my friend

Summer Love/Love Summer

Summer Love/ Love Summer

Heat

on the tips of my tired toes

traveling the arches of my feet

skimming along my bronzed calves

creeping higher along my thighs

licking always upward

over my soft stomach

skirting my belly button

flowing over my chest

rippling along my neck

brushing my ear lobes

whispering in my hair

at last encompassing my whole being.

Burning, flaming,

laying finally drowsy

in a warm puddle,

drifting away.

Quite Literal

Quite Literal

I lost myself in a pile of dirt.

Yes dirt.

Real dirt.

This is not a metaphorical statement.

Someday when I'm long gone

they'll be discussing my poetry in a college seminar somewhere

and some snooty teacher will say

What do you think she meant by dirt?

What does it symbolize?

And I'm saving you a lot of time here by giving you the answer.

I meant dirt.

Brown, crumbly, wet, mushy, wormy, dirt.

And I lost myself because there were zinnias coming up

where I hadn't planted them

having made some sort of small journey

from where I put the seeds to

where they wanted to grow.

And now, suddenly, quite unexpectedly,

I have found them while weeding

and mourning the fact that they never came up.

And I'm trying to untangle them from the

regular riffraff that always seems

intent on growing here.

And I lost track of time and space

while allowing myself only this

to do right now

Only this to think about.

Because I love zinnias,

their bright faces make me feel

hopeful and happy.

And rescuing them

will be the highlight of my day.

I crave simplicity

and words that mean what they say.

So you tell that professor

that I meant dirt.

Just dirt, and nothing else.

And maybe you can get an easy A.

Cinders

Cinders

For Chris

There was once this crazy moment:

the sun was bright

and you were laughing,

threw back your hair

and reached for me.

I wouldn't say it was a surprise exactly.

The spark was there

but the will was not,

till suddenly

the world was super bright,

utterly clean and new

and full of promise and opportunity.

Do you remember the first time?

I know you do.

The wild mix of danger, and desire

wrapped around each other.

Wanting, unsure, and suddenly

the walls fell down,

you were free and untethered

and open to all new things.

It took my breath away

to know that you too

wanted to be something so much more.

I know you've felt that fear of rejection,

revulsion, anger, and loss.

Willing to only savor it in your mind

than risk turning it dark and painful.

And suddenly,

the light broke over you

and acceptance reigned over all

and you jumped in fearless if still hesitant.

There was once that moment

that redefined my life.

A moment of reckless abandon

and discovery.

Savored for so short a time

before I locked it away in a little box

where it stayed for eons.

And suddenly

the box sprang open

and I came bursting out

thinking fearfully and joyfully and certainly

'I'm going to burn that box to cinders!'

Winning Strategy

Winning Strategy

I tug and feel my fear subside

Find desire revived

And settle inside.

Such a gain from a tiny piece of rope.

Babies pull and I see your face

Feel the brush of whiskers

Feel the touch of your lips

Such a gain from a tiny piece of rope.

Turning on my wrist

I feel the rush of anticipation

The promise of more.

Such a gain from a tiny piece of rope.

Black and smooth

Knotted and frayed

Sealed with heat.

My tiny piece of hope.

Superior Song

Superior Song

I find solace in my settled soul

salvation in endless water

limitless sky

noiseless beauty

 guiltless playtime

  shameless flirting

I feel the

width

 and depth

  and breadth

of enormity beyond comprehension

all encompassing.

No cage can hold the crashing waves,

no page hold words enough

to limit her.

No stage express her,

 no mage possess her,

   no paige caress her,

    no rage confess her,

     or ever depress her,

but I digress here.

There is no place

to revive my essence

 ignite it's luminescence

   obtain the presence

    Of peace,

But here in the arms of gitchi gami.

Reckless

Reckless

The closer I got to home

and safety

the less I found I could go there.

There where strong arms would

embrace me

and hold me close and tight.

There where sweet voices would

calm me

and ground me again.

There where his lips would

convince me

one passionate moment at a time.

Home where the dogs would

crowd me

the kids would

hug me

my love would

hold me

my friends would

tell me

my neighbors would

offer me

my parents would

annoy me

my pastor would

destroy me

Satan would

employ me

So none one could enjoy me.