Slam

Slam

The door slams nearly breaking

the glass window.

I can’t believe I just did that.

The yelling continues.

Well, that part I earned.

I tried.

Worked so hard to keep that me tied down.

Tried to walk away.

I hate that I failed.

I hate that I can win for so long,

but in one moment everything is destroyed.

How can I ever say that it will never happen again?

But I am expected to live up to that.

I was, until you decided I wasn’t.

So long.

I have been in control for so long.

Even when I do not want to be.

Even when it makes every kind of sense for me not to be.

But I must stay in control at all times

or I am a failure.

Suddenly I am reminded

that you still expect failure,

are always watching for it,

always waiting for it.

So I must be perfection.

I am always on trial.

Today the trial is to see if this little experiment was worth the price.

What if I fail?

I will have wasted everything we had

for nothing.

The pressure of it is totally and completely binding.

I feel like the biggest drain on this whole family.

I also know that as long as I live

I will always be on trial.

And I wonder,

Did I really earn that?

I guess the door slammed shut on my

freedom eons ago.