How things really are

How Things Really Are

I hear you saying

It'll get better

But I know that it won't

for a while.

That every breath will soon be a struggle

Every smile will be a lie

Every laugh will die before it reaches my lips much less my eyes.

I hear you saying

I'm here for you

But I know that you won't

understand how I feel or what I need.

That you'll tire of holding me so tight

or won't understand why I'm pushing you away.

I hear you saying

We need you

But I know right now quite clearly

how worthless I am

and how much better off you'd all be without me to drag you all down.

This truth is what's real to me now.

I hear you saying

The good days are worth the bad ones

But I know the good ones aren't even real.

They are as much skewed reality as the bad ones.

And they are just as exhausting for everyone around me.

They are few and they are fake.

I hear you saying

I love you

But I know that the girl you married

is not the girl who's here now.

The friend you made is not this girl.

The co-worker you enjoyed is not this girl.

You did not choose this girl.

You wouldn't have.

I hear you saying

I won't leave you

But I know you will tire of me.

You will need to do what's best for you,

And I understand that.

I don't hold it against you.

The clock is running down for me so fast,

And soon I will be alone.

I hear you saying

It's okay

But I know it's not.