Becoming me

Wandering the Marsh lands at dusk

I see her.

Long black hair sucked by the wind.

Tall and wispy,

Teased by the breeze

Tossed on the froth of my mind.

A rush of desire floods my body

Delicate flames lick my skin

As we bump hands in passing

Lit in a split

second, adultery beckons.

I almost turn but one last strand

of common sense holds out

Then like a whisp of smoke

Bliss is remis

Is as far as the stars.

I look to see her ten steps behind

Knowing I'll wait

Till her purposeful steps reach

Me suddenly free

To undress and caress.

We walk hand in hand

Lulled by cricket orchestras

As the night falls

Pulling us along

Like an insistent song

Moonlight and beach

Within our reach

Painful desire does beseech

The need for skin

Again and again

Hands on faces,

In hair, in creases

Fire ignites in the night

Ecstasy rises, falls, climbs,

Takes flight,

Wins the fight

On a flurry of tongues

And teeth

And flesh beneath

Flesh

Our grief abolished

Fidelity demolished.

Now only raging fire remains

Can never tame

The pain the shame the blame

Or ever restrain

The disdain

For the night when my name

Became free

Became me.

River poem

River Poem

My issues take me on a winding path with solutions far outside my grasp

I could write lyrics for an angry band or sink my toes deep in the sand

but what I cannot do is find a way to dry land
I've walked as far as I can go

reasoned as much as I can know

been beaten battered broken torn discovered a new morning after the storm and yet
The skeletons of days gone by

do not clear the fog that covers my eyes and even my baptismal water leaves me high and dry

if only I could fly
So I turn to words as I have before hoping they unlock the door

my keys are there I know they are

I just need to break the bar and drink the jar
I smoke the finest weed you have

rub indifference like a salve
Upon my weeping loins and sinew

reach for compassion deep within you and be new
I haven't turned the time back yet

far enough to just forget

I ache for anonymity

desperate urges fight to be just free

just me
The words are coming faster now
I let them pour I wipe my brow

the drops of sweat now rush and flow come in my mind and deep below and now I know

I cannot show
The desperate anthem of my soul

broken I have been made whole

you join my misery and then

I find myself awake again

and totally spent

the length and depth of the deepest plunge

I soak it up like a crumbled sponge

the depths of my need suddenly wake and full advantage does it take

of your flesh
I've earned the right to call this mine

this flow of words that feels divine

I honor it with every breath I'll take it with me to my death

you'll miss it
For I have crafted every scene that drew my heart right into being

and desperate though I feel right now

my mind begins to know just how

I existed.

A peek inside

A Peek Inside

I am wrapped in a silken net

Caught in a single moment

Just between fear and pain.

Unsure if I can free myself

I resist the urge to twist

The urge to scream

The urge to cry.

I tell myself to stay calm

Wait for it to pass

Trust what I know

But I don't know anything

in this moment

Only that I am not free.

There's a fear that comes over a person

Born of loss of control

The greatest fear of all

Composed of black night

Amplified sound

And lack of sight

You can smell this fear

Taste it, touch it,

Bow to it.

I know fear,

And fear pain

Yet desire pain

Because it is all that I can feel.

Wrapped in my net

I remain

Tasting the fear

Demanding the pain.

Honest poetry

I

Am

Not

Invisible

.

I

Am

Not

Insane

.

Every

Time

You

Look

At

Me

Like

That

I want

To

Run

Hide

Scream

Die

.

Every

Time

You

Text

Me

A

'SMILEY'

I

Hurt

Cry

Scream

Die inside

.

Every

Time

You

<hug>

Me

I

Cringe

Recoil

Scream

Die to empty arms

.

I

Want

To

Be

Understood

Taken seriously

Considered

Held

Heard

Normal

.

I

Am

Just

Alone

Misunderstood

Angry

Desperate

Dead

.

To

You

All

.

How things really are

How Things Really Are

I hear you saying

It'll get better

But I know that it won't

for a while.

That every breath will soon be a struggle

Every smile will be a lie

Every laugh will die before it reaches my lips much less my eyes.

I hear you saying

I'm here for you

But I know that you won't

understand how I feel or what I need.

That you'll tire of holding me so tight

or won't understand why I'm pushing you away.

I hear you saying

We need you

But I know right now quite clearly

how worthless I am

and how much better off you'd all be without me to drag you all down.

This truth is what's real to me now.

I hear you saying

The good days are worth the bad ones

But I know the good ones aren't even real.

They are as much skewed reality as the bad ones.

And they are just as exhausting for everyone around me.

They are few and they are fake.

I hear you saying

I love you

But I know that the girl you married

is not the girl who's here now.

The friend you made is not this girl.

The co-worker you enjoyed is not this girl.

You did not choose this girl.

You wouldn't have.

I hear you saying

I won't leave you

But I know you will tire of me.

You will need to do what's best for you,

And I understand that.

I don't hold it against you.

The clock is running down for me so fast,

And soon I will be alone.

I hear you saying

It's okay

But I know it's not.