Pastor Texts

Pastor Texts

i wanted to brush you off.

So insecure in these thoughts

i am.

Thinking i can never do them justice

But suddenly i’m talking to you.

And the thoughts i have turned

around and around in my head

that i’m still uncertain of

make me feel naked in front of you.

i’m so sure they’re half formed

uneducated, misunderstood,

that what i’m slowly coming to understand

will be insufficient.

i don’t know why.

You never treat me that way.

But you KNOW the things my heart

longs for without words.

You have those things that i so deeply desire.

i yearn for the security of belief you have.

i fear my own belief is only surface deep.

i look upon those people who live His Word,

i find myself in none of them.

But you are calm and reassuring

and i talk to you

because i can.

i don’t even know what i’m trying to say

so i say it anyway.

Marta says if you don’t know what to say in group

just start talking,

your mind knows the words

your mouth doesn’t.

She’s right.

So i talk and you listen

and somewhere the fear leaves me

and the words find a home.

Mandy's Song

                                               

                                               Mandy's Lament

                                                   Noah is

                              These    really so very far     They

                             Humans    away today.       shouldn’t

                               

                               Are so         I’m waiting for my boy          let him

                       irrespon       I don’t know where he is      get so far

                         Sible.     i heard his voice today amid so      away.

                                         many others, I had thought that he would 
                                       come, I had thought my tail would wag and he
                                     now would be home safe with me again. Mom

  says that he is fine, she doesn’t tell me where

  i heard her say he’s far away right now. She

  says we have to wait, she promises he’s safe

  i heard her say he’s far away across the sea.

  I don’t know what that means, i just know

  i just know that he’s not here, and i

  can’t check him over before bed.

Erotica

Erotica

Slender line of heel to pointed toe

drawn upwards along a perfect taut muscle

then lithe and strong up to generous hip

extended arch through a graceful back

languid neck

and fluttery hair

lovely arms thrown back

defying gravity

I could run my hands

from your toes to your stomach

to the tips of your hair

and I would find you

seamless.

Naked

Naked

What do you see when you look at me?

I don't know whether to be afraid

Or reassured.

What do you think when you think about me?

I don't know when to hide

Or be myself.

What do you feel towards me?

I don't know whether to run

Or trust.

I feel naked standing in front of you.

Tightrope

Tightrope

Its slippery

and frayed

it sends splinters into my feet

tiny droplets form

tremble

shiver

before they drop off

invisible as they join the rushing river

impossibly far below

barely balanced

a tiny wobble begins in my legs

i squeeze my stomach muscles tight

stifel the tremor

i can hear the wrath of the river

it reverberates through me

pounding in my body

a soundtrack for my finest or final moments

i have reached the middle

forward and back are the same now

out of fear i put a foot behind me

no telling what lies ahead

or if i’ll ever get there

but my foot slips

i feel wet rope running past my heel

suck in my breath

and catch it with my toes

arms outstretched

every muscle now taut

praying out loud

repeating the same words over and over

and i don’t even know what they are

The Language of Mental Illness

The Language of Mental Illness

You speak and no one hears you

so you act

Until they do.

Stakes higher every time.

That's how you yell,

because they only hear physical things,

only recognize physical things,

only know physical things.

So you

cut

or you

hurt

or you

Kill.

Physical things.

Things they can see.

“The problem with mental illness is that it's not physical.”

Do they know how ironic that statement is?

There is nothing more physical,

more dangerous,

than mental illness.

Nothing.

They can scan my heart,

see what's broken,

operate to fix it.

They can't scan my mind and know what I'm thinking.

They're not listening

and then I become quiet.

and they have no idea

where

those thoughts have gone.