What I Remember

So here's what I remember

Running and running and running from utter darkness

Fear

A kindness that you don't understand

A familiarity

An excuse to finally be the full version of me

Real

Long afternoons in the sun drinking coffee and telling our stories

Laughing at long shared jokes and memories.

A much needed friendship.

Trust

Fear

Texts from a far away savior

Held by the hand and led to support

And comfort and love.

Two women rising up before me with strong arms,

Strong convictions,

Passionate devotion.

Fear

Elation

Standing above the world,

Finally finally finally free,

Cutting my ropes loose with reckless abandon,

Till

A voice. A message.

Breaking.

And breaking.

And breaking.

And breaking.

A man who made me laugh

And laugh,

Let me push the limits

Too far.

I pushed too far.

I invited it.

Reveled in laughing torture

Talking about real,

mixed with history

And musicals, and food,

Economy and elections.

Remember a face,

Humiliated and

broken,

Broken,

Broken,

Angry and scared,

Furious.

Worry, and fear and anger and betrayal

Pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain

Nightmares upon nightmares

Screams, fights,

Anger

Fear

Ropes.

Goodbye,

Over and over and over

I'm sorry

Over and over and over

I deserved it

Over and over and over