What I Remember

So here's what I remember

Running and running and running from utter darkness

Fear

A kindness that you don't understand

A familiarity

An excuse to finally be the full version of me

Real

Long afternoons in the sun drinking coffee and telling our stories

Laughing at long shared jokes and memories.

A much needed friendship.

Trust

Fear

Texts from a far away savior

Held by the hand and led to support

And comfort and love.

Two women rising up before me with strong arms,

Strong convictions,

Passionate devotion.

Fear

Elation

Standing above the world,

Finally finally finally free,

Cutting my ropes loose with reckless abandon,

Till

A voice. A message.

Breaking.

And breaking.

And breaking.

And breaking.

A man who made me laugh

And laugh,

Let me push the limits

Too far.

I pushed too far.

I invited it.

Reveled in laughing torture

Talking about real,

mixed with history

And musicals, and food,

Economy and elections.

Remember a face,

Humiliated and

broken,

Broken,

Broken,

Angry and scared,

Furious.

Worry, and fear and anger and betrayal

Pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain

Nightmares upon nightmares

Screams, fights,

Anger

Fear

Ropes.

Goodbye,

Over and over and over

I'm sorry

Over and over and over

I deserved it

Over and over and over

So There's This Guy Who Falls Into A Hole......

So There's This Guy Who Falls Into A Hole…...

(Inspired by The West Wing S2E10, Noel.
Leo to Josh: "A man is walking down the street, and falls into a hole. 

The hole is so deep, and the walls so slick, that he can't get out. 

He sees a doctor walking down the street, and calls out to him. "Hey doc, I've fallen in this hole- can you help me out?" The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it in the hole, and keeps walking. 

Then the guy sees a priest walking down the street, and calls out, "Hey father, I've fallen in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes down a prayer on a piece of paper, throws it in the hole, and keeps walking. 

Then the guy sees one of his good friends. He calls out, "Hey friend, I've fallen in this hole, can you help me out?" His friend comes over, and jumps in the hole with him. 

The guy says, "What are you, crazy? Now we're both in the hole!" 

His friend says, "Yes, but I've been here before, and I know the way out.")

Sometimes there's so much in your head,

So much you ache to say,

But you have to tie it up

And try to be mundane instead.

If you let it out it'll break another person

Tie them into your knot,

Tangle them where they don't want to go,

Making what was suspicion, certain.

So you hold it back, trying to be okay

Let everything be alright

Trying not to allow the pain to flood in

And ruin the one good moment of the day.

But it rides on your shoulders wherever you are

No relief can it find

Potent and permanent

Pushing you way too far.

You ask me what I want, how am I feeling,

I want to take the lid off the box

Let even a whisper of relief flood in

Let that breath be freeing.

Because every dark rope has an end

And every dark cage has a lock

every dark hole has a bottom,

The secret is finding the friend

Who can slide down the rope,

Unlock the cage,

Show you path out of the hole

A whisper the words of hope.

Precarious

Precarious

All the words we've never said.

All the times I've worried,

you've worried……

All the times we can't be together.

You've touched my life,

sparked it into being whole,

ripped it into being torn.

Apart we are not the same.

Apart we are simply a facade,

waiting for a way

to be together again.

Apart we are only half the sentence,

half the joke,

half the conundrum,

half the catch 22.

Cake without topping.

Jello without marshmallows,

2,000 miles away.

In sync, out of step,

afraid to go forward,

afraid to go back.

Longing to meet in the middle.

Just wondering how to get there.

Meet Me There

Meet Me There

There on the dock over blue blue water.

Waves making the old wood boards sway beneath me,

challenging my balance

but adding to my calm.

Meet me there.

There where we have sat,

talked, laughed.

There where my music takes me away,

and my body learns once more to bend to my whims.

There where life becomes….

Flexible.

Meet me there.

A few hours of peace was never a hard price to pay for a pile of chores left undone.