Philippians 2:12-13

Philippians 2:12-13

For Paul who chose to speak plainly and with true sincerity.

It was such a small moment.

Read,

Pause..

Move on...

Turn back.

Read it again, hear it clearly.

See it in full color in my mind.

STOP.

Let ‘fear and trembling’ roll around in my mind, in my mouth.

Swallow it and let it sink to my stomach and my soul.

I don't fear it because it's already there.

But this tastes different.

It tastes sweet like honey, like wine, like manna.

Sweet like purpose, certainty, promise,

salvation.

Sweet like relief, acceptance, reassurance, encouragement.

Sweet like God.

Stop.

Savor...

the small moment that grew into gigantic proportions,

blew open doors in my mind,

swept through musty rooms,

flooded dry tributaries,

shattered darkness like a million shards of glass flying through the luminescence of a brilliant Dawn.

I heard the curtains tear and the temple fall. The wail of a people shamed and trembling in fear

And awe.

I hear the scrape

and find MY moment of certainty.

And just as it must have for them,

it tastes of salt, and dust,

and the staggering realization

of truth.

In this life drenched in fear and trembling, how much greater the will of God in me than had I walked day after day in peace and happiness? How much more beautiful the result?

Such a moment that no one can take away from me.

Wicked Girl

Wicked Girl

Inspired by Not That Girl from Wicked

Legs touch.

Fingers meet.

Relaxed mind and

certain heat.

This will be a blur,

and I am that girl.

Let's dream, out of bounds.

Fire and flames and yearning sounds.

Rainbows of color springing forth in swirls,

neck is kissed in pearls.

Yes I am that girl.

Every so often we long to steal,

to the land where luscious begins,

to completely satisfy the ache we feel

till morning sets back in.

Seductive smile, satin limb

She who's willing

on a whim...

sauciest mouth in the whole dang world,

deft soft touch and prose,

always from her flows.

Yes I am that girl.

I Sort Of Found It

I Sort Of Found It

Monday, January 11, 2016

Walked around and talked around.

What does winning mean for you?

Back and forth with you.

Say it out loud,

Say it again.

Can you hear it?

Because I do.

Why is your perception so skewed?

Because that's all I can hear.

So what does winning mean to you?

I can't see anything in front of me.

All I see extraneous garbage.

I don't know how to win.

I don't know if I can.

Everyone thinks I'm failing.

That makes me feel defensive and hurt.

Why do you think everyone thinks you're failing?

Because no one tells me otherwise. Because no one ever tells me I'm succeeding.

What does winning mean for you?

I'm no longer sure I need to win.

What does success mean to me?

That's a better question.

Okay.

What does success look like to you?

I need recognition.

I need someone to tell me I've done something right.

That I've improved in some way.

That they notice the effort, in whatever way, even if it's small.

I told you how i think people perceive only the surface of your fight.

Yes, you did.

But not everyone around me should be limited to that perception.

And anyway, the strength of the current should be able to spill over onto the surface right?

There are positive changes that are very visual.

It may be a while before people trust in your changes.

I get that even if I hate it.

Even if I've been working at that for 8 months already.

Even if I'm appalled that it isn't evident by now that some things have seriously and consistently changed.

But my point is: encouragement is everything.

But if your whole perception is skewed already, how will that help?

Maybe i just need confidence in myself.

It's hard to convince others when I'm not convinced.

It's hard for me to be convinced when others are not.

Do you think you can change your own point of view? Do you believe me  when I say you should?

I feel like you're wrong, even though I think I know you're right. But that is shaky ground.

How can you make it stronger?

I keep coming here. Keep making better choices. Keep digging deeper into my understanding of your teaching.

Is that good enough for you?

There's only one way to find out.

Can you meet again next week?

Can you let me in?

Yes. I can always let you in.

Genesis 2:7

Genesis 2:7

Just one more breath.

Just one more.

We'll talk about the next one after that.

There was breath when they said yes for me.

Wet, annoyed, blessed breath.

There was breath as I spoke your prayer out loud.

Pretty, rustling skirt and patent leather shoes breath.

There was breath in that moment of commitment.
Bored, barely interested,

uncomprehending breath.

There was breath in the room with yes. 
Happy, relived, i promise breath.

There was breath under the sun on the grass.

Goodbye and begin breath.

There was breath in the church when I said yes with and for them.

Wet, uncertain, blessed breath.

There was breath in the heat upon that cliff.

Hurt, tormented, frustrated, confused

rapid breath.

There was breath in the room the first time I heard those words.

Alone, fearful, relieved, terrified, hopeless, hopeful, uncomprehending breath.

There was breath in my perch in the sun,

miserable, lonely, desolate, disconnected breath.

There was breath in the woods, on my trail.

Heavy, sweaty, thirsty, euphoric breath.

There was breath in the water,

naked, cool, exciting, relaxing, rebellious breath.

There was breath at the wedding.

Happy, dancing, joyful, belonging breath.

There was breath as we said goodbye.

Sobbing, surprised, heartbreaking catch in your throat breath.

There was breath in the sanctuary when I came to beg you to let me back in.

Desperate, pleading, questioning, needy breath.

There was breath when I let you go.

Or there felt like there wasn't, grief so strong, soul shattered breath.

There was breath when I was held.

Gasping, begging, grasping, completely broken, healing breath.

There was breath in the music,

Every time.

Leading, needing, desiring, freeing breath.

There was breath in small spaces in my mind.

Frustrated, wild, reckless, rebellious

testing breath.

There was breath in the loss of privacy,

Shattered trust, anger, repentance,

attempted repairing breath.

There was breath in the violation.

Painful, devastating, submissive,

fear laden, betrayed, hate laced breath.

There was breath in the reconciliation.

Shaky, unsure, untested, careful,

unproven, angry but trying breath.

There is breath on this road.

Lost, hurt, sorrowful, furious, unmapped, waiting, praying breath.

There is breath in me.

Hurting, hopeful, frightened, hiding,

social, separated, walled off, walled in,

self protecting, deliberately coping breath.

There is breath in You.

Breath in me.

Sustaining, faithful, enduring, forgiving, certain breath.

Just one more breath.

You can do it,

Just take one more.

We'll talk about the next one after that.

The Spikes and the Wheel

The Spikes and the Wheel

Fear and uncertainty.

Afraid of being trapped.

Relentless questions

on a search for something greater.

One question leads to another

bringing to light hurt and pain

rebellion and sorrow.

Also redemption and love,

understanding and conviction.

Need to share,

to include,

to bring the light of understanding.

They come to you

uncertain what you have,

and fearing it.

Uncertain of your impact they cage you.

Fling questions at you with

wrath and disbelief

and no conviction.

Desperate to stifle your words,

to exclude,

to keep you in the dark.

But you can't be contained.

Now you fear and trust,

put yourself in Those hands,

into a certainty you fear.

Feel the jagged metal plunder skin and bone.

And wonder what they'll say about you when you're gone.

January Lament

January Lament

Spring is right around the corner

The flowers are sleeping in my dormer

But Ice and frost

Have deemed them lost

And I am in my freezing corner.

Barbed

Barbed

I wanted it to be me.

Began with satire of truth

but soon became ruthless.

Created my own torture chamber.

There are four lights.

I built symmetry into chaos,

used words and music as weapons.

Double edged swords

Ripping into raw flesh.

Demanding.

There are four lights.

Left perfectly placed grenades

with clear powerful messages

each imprinted to explode

onto one person alone.

There are four lights.

Painted an explanation,

minus the excuse,

Commanding an apology.

Not Mine.

There are four lights.

Unleashed my anger

amidst hope, support,

understanding, and pride.

A different message,

for a different recipient.

There are four lights.

Poured value and importance,

determination, love,

dependability, and acceptance

like ocean water cooling

the volcano's firey core.

There are still four lights.

I said what I wanted to say,

answered everyone's questions

in 11 minutes,

and made my standing Crystal clear.

There are four lights.

I twisted visual media,

music with its own lyrics,

and written word,

fascinating myself by setting things straight in 11 minutes.

There ARE four lights.

But they blur together through tears.

When it touched you,

were there barbs, or flowers,

or was it just not there at all.