Bigger World

There are places

that when you leave

your heart sort of splits

and leaves a piece behind.

You have yours right?

Places you remember

with laughter or food or friends

places that you marked an accomplishment.

Maybe it was a kiss,

or a promise,

a decision.

Maybe it was pure beauty

the kind that transcends seasons

and satisfies every time.

Somewhere magical.

How did you find yours?

Sometimes a family excursion,

a coincidence,

a recommendation,

an online link.

Or best of all,

maybe a friend gave you that place.

Those places are the hardest.

You want to share them with someone

don't you?

But not just anyone.

Theres healing and hope and fantasy

in those places.

You must be careful who to share them with.

Or keep them all to yourself.

A tiny piece of heaven,

of memories,

of times not to be invaded,

accidentally ruined.

So you go there alone.

Pretending it'll be just like it was back then.

In the before that was so delicious that it seared itself onto your memory

making your world just a little bigger.

And you need bigger.

Laughter

Laughter

Do you remember what laughter feels like?

It's a thought

that slips into your mind

simultaneously slides

down to your stomach

where it's warm

bright

utterly irresistible

and uncontainable.

Fake laughter is worthless,

useless for every purpose,

Excrement.

Real, genuine laughter

EXPLODES inside you

before it ever even makes its way out,

rushes through you with relief

brings life to death

burns hot and brilliant

mesmerizing

captivating

addictive.

I remember.

I remember that I want to laugh again.

Celestial

Celestial

It was the ripple of purple that grabbed my eye.

It tumbled down my bare back in the mirror flashing in the sun.

The sun turned my skin the color of warm honey, melting amethyst and amber into a phantasm made real by spark and glint.

A single moment of exquisite beauty caught only in a snapshot in my mind.

A closer step and the evidence of the years would foil the illusion, bringing it crashing down, revealing the list of imperfections that taunt me.

I remain one moment more till that celestial body carries away the momentary celestial beauty that was gifted to me.

You're there Somewhere, I just can't find You

I'm back on my knees

staring up at your window

where the image of you

that I have chosen to make my visual focus

is SO clear.

Except.

It's dark outside and I can't see you.

You are gone,

and I feel that way too.

I'm searching tonight.

Somehow you are a tiny baby

dependant upon your family

for everything,

lost to me out under the stars somewhere.

Somehow you are also a king

seated on a grand throne

an entire world in your hands

standing like bodyguard

between judgement and grace.

Somehow you are also living in my mind as an intellectual understanding,

grasping at a concept so big

I can only reach for the tip of it

and pray my hands can graze it.

Somehow you are also living in my heart

filling me with your grace and life

satisfying my soul.

But tonight my window is dark,

and the interruptions are endless

and my heart cries out for someone to listen.

But no one has time

so I am trying to figure out how to find you

on my own,

when the lights go out.

It's crazy how many places you're in

and still, I'm not in them somehow.

How It Felt

How it Felt

I am the parched world

ripping myself apart for a drop of water

killing, hurting, defiling,

so ravenous am I.

Cracks wrest open in my chalky skin,

twisting wider and deeper into great dry gorges

whirlwinds of dust strike through me.

Clouds of dust and dirt rise and cover me

and darkness overtakes me

as I choke on air that fills my dry lungs with piles of dirt and sand.

I am gasping, desperate, dead.

And then:

a drop.

And another.

And the water begins to fall,

fall,

fall,

fall,

fall,fall,fall,fall…...

BOOM!

A great deluge rushes fiercely over me.

My parched and dried up body fills with water.

Clean, pure, sanctified water.

Oversaturated, I can hold no more but still it comes,

still it washes over me in great waves

sinking to my core.

Still it keeps coming.

I am drowning,

I am dead.

The sun begins to come out of the clouds

exposing my death

exposing my life.

I am the wet world,

fertile and ready to grow.

I hold a tiny seed that slowly sprouts,

unfurls,

wakes to a fresh new world.

I am a million questions budding,

every breath a new revelation,

eager and hungry,

I am fed.

Suspect Secondary

Suspect Secondary

Sitting here in this exact chair yesterday,

giving Carol her break,

I was thinking how amazing it is to me

how close we've come after tearing so far apart.

I was thinking that feeling safe and secure again had sort of crept up on me over time.

I was thinking that though I really wanted more of your attention, I didn't deserve it anyway and that i could be happy in this relationship as it is.

I was thinking that so much of the time when you weren't able to be there, I had a pile of friends to shore me up. To hold me up when I started to fall.

I was thinking how lucky I am.

Was.

I'm talking.

Why aren't you?

Now I'm sitting here, 24 hours later, totally broken. Having worked so hard for nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

You said you would help me, be there for me. You said we would do it together. But I keep begging for help and you keep not answering.

I had no idea what you were thinking but really, would you rather let me hurt me, us, again?

Would it be better to grill me on all those good calm comfortable days?

Because yeah, that's such a better idea. That's an awful lot like watching me stand on the edge of the bridge wondering if I'll jump, and thinking ‘no, this is a bad time to bother her, I'll tell her I'm concerned tomorrow when she's having a better day’. If tomorrow comes without incident, or just comes.

I'm talking.

Why aren't you?

So what if I get mad? We'll still be dealing with it. I won't be blissfully wandering around thinking things are so much better now that my bipolar isn't running the show. I mean, it's beating the crap out of me, but at least it's not ruining everyone else.

And now I realize you're just holding me at arm's length, waiting for me to hurt you again.

Now I know that every time I sink into the  mud, and l desperately need you, it's going to do nothing but put me under suspicion again. Great time for that.

I used to be your one and only.

Now you're married to bipolar,

And I am your secondary.

Your suspect Secondary.

Now I know why you're not talking.

Now I understand my place.

Empty

Empty

This empty page

This reflection of me

This empty page

Where I don't dare say what i'm thinking

This empty page

This reflection of me

This empty page

That can be filled with fear or happiness

This empty page

This reflection of me

This empty page

That can comprehend hopelessness

This empty page

This reflection of me

This empty page

This empty life.