Suspect Secondary
Sitting here in this exact chair yesterday,
giving Carol her break,
I was thinking how amazing it is to me
how close we've come after tearing so far apart.
I was thinking that feeling safe and secure again had sort of crept up on me over time.
I was thinking that though I really wanted more of your attention, I didn't deserve it anyway and that i could be happy in this relationship as it is.
I was thinking that so much of the time when you weren't able to be there, I had a pile of friends to shore me up. To hold me up when I started to fall.
I was thinking how lucky I am.
Was.
I'm talking.
Why aren't you?
Now I'm sitting here, 24 hours later, totally broken. Having worked so hard for nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
You said you would help me, be there for me. You said we would do it together. But I keep begging for help and you keep not answering.
I had no idea what you were thinking but really, would you rather let me hurt me, us, again?
Would it be better to grill me on all those good calm comfortable days?
Because yeah, that's such a better idea. That's an awful lot like watching me stand on the edge of the bridge wondering if I'll jump, and thinking ‘no, this is a bad time to bother her, I'll tell her I'm concerned tomorrow when she's having a better day’. If tomorrow comes without incident, or just comes.
I'm talking.
Why aren't you?
So what if I get mad? We'll still be dealing with it. I won't be blissfully wandering around thinking things are so much better now that my bipolar isn't running the show. I mean, it's beating the crap out of me, but at least it's not ruining everyone else.
And now I realize you're just holding me at arm's length, waiting for me to hurt you again.
Now I know that every time I sink into the mud, and l desperately need you, it's going to do nothing but put me under suspicion again. Great time for that.
I used to be your one and only.
Now you're married to bipolar,
And I am your secondary.
Your suspect Secondary.
Now I know why you're not talking.
Now I understand my place.
